When I was first diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis (RA), I was already navigating the challenges of being a single mother to a 2-year-old. Adding a chronic illness to the mix felt overwhelming. The past 11 years of motherhood with RA have been some of the hardest, but they’ve also brought unexpected rewards.
I’m not alone in this experience — many women are diagnosed with arthritis or other chronic conditions after having children. I often wished that pregnancy classes had covered the signs of chronic illness or depression.
Now, as my son approaches 12, RA has been a constant part of our lives, growing and changing alongside him. I see how my diagnosis has shaped him into a compassionate, empathetic person.
The Weight of Responsibility
One of the most overwhelming aspects of being a single mom with a chronic illness is the constant need to prioritize everyone and everything before myself. From cooking meals to cleaning to running errands and managing finances, every responsibility falls squarely on my shoulders — shoulders already aching from arthritis. There isn’t anyone else to depend on, so my self-care often takes a back seat. My health becomes a secondary concern because there are simply too many other tasks demanding my attention and, by the time I complete them, I am too exhausted for self-care.
People often misunderstand or overlook my limitations as a single mom with a chronic illness. While many mean well and try to help, their suggestions are often impractical. They might suggest activities or solutions that are feasible for a double-income family, but not for someone living on disability below the poverty line. They might recommend activities that require two able-bodied parents, which is simply not my reality.
Shifting Roles as My Child Grows
As my son has grown, his needs have shifted. In the early years, I focused on his physical care, but now he’s more independent and looks to me for emotional support. This brings a new challenge, especially with my own health struggles.
There are times when my fatigue is so overwhelming that I struggle to find the energy to answer his questions, especially in the evenings when we spend time together. I often find myself saying, “Ask me in the morning — my brain is soup right now.” The same goes if he asks me to do something later in the day; I might ask him to remind me during my better hours. I believe this has taught him a valuable lesson in patience.
The Fear and Guilt
Naturally, I worry that my child might develop a chronic illness. While his chances are lower as a boy, the fear and guilt are constant companions in my thoughts. As he grows, my responsibilities as a single mom with a chronic illness continue to evolve. What started as meeting his basic needs has expanded to managing school assignments, extracurricular activities, and his social life — adding yet another layer to my already full plate. Balancing his needs with my own health challenges becomes more difficult with each passing year.
Growing Independence, Growing Loneliness
As my son gets older and develops his own hobbies and interests, he wants to spend more time with his friends and less time with me. While I knew this day would come, it’s still difficult. For the past decade, I’ve been focused on being a mom and managing my chronic illness. In the process, my world became smaller — I didn’t have the energy to maintain friendships or socialize much. Now, as my son finds his own path, I’m realizing just how isolating chronic illness can be.
Silver Linings in the Struggle
Despite the challenges, parenting with a chronic illness comes with unexpected silver linings. As kids grow older, they naturally become more independent and, in many ways, more capable of helping around the house. The other day, I dropped something and my son immediately said, “Let me get that for you, Mom, I know bending down hurts your arthritis.” Hearing him say that filled me with relief. As he’s gotten older, it’s become easier to keep up with chores — I’ve taught him how to do the dishes, take out the trash, and even help in the kitchen as he learns to cook for himself.
Living with a chronic illness has also helped instill healthy habits in my son. Because I focus on eating well, he’s learned a lot about balanced nutrition. When I ask what he wants to eat, his usual response is, “Whatever is healthiest.”
He’s incredibly understanding about my limitations, often reminding me not to be too hard on myself if I can’t follow through on something I wanted to do. His empathy and maturity have grown out of living with my chronic illness.
Although living on disability pay is tough, it’s taught him valuable life lessons about money, hard work, and compassion. His understanding of health, kindness toward those with disabilities, and willingness to lend a hand are qualities that many children don’t develop unless they’ve experienced chronic illness firsthand.
Building Resilience and Self-Reliance
Being a single mom with a chronic illness for a decade has been arduous, but it has also taught me resilience and self-reliance. The best I can do is try my best to be the best mom I can with what I have. My son comes from a loving home and always has my support.
I have learned to prioritize my own well-being while still fulfilling the responsibilities of parenthood. It is a delicate balance requiring constant adjustment. However, as my child grows and becomes more self-sufficient, the challenges become slightly lighter on my achy body.
Check Out Remission Possible
Our Remission Possible podcast is dedicated to guiding and supporting you on your mission to take back your life and control symptoms. In each episode, we’ll share inspiring stories from patients who are succeeding in their mission and discuss how patients and doctors can work together to better understand the optimal course of treatment for different chronic conditions while keeping personal goals and lifestyle choices in mind. Listen now.
