Lately, my head is somewhere else. I feel like I am moving through life in a fog.
I recently confused the date and time of a really important phone call regarding my education.
This is not me. Despite not feeling well and the brain fog that comes from that, I am able to keep it together most of the time. But this is different.
In some ways, though, this takes me back to when I got diagnosed. I lost it. The person that totally had their stuff together, totally didn’t anymore. And that wasn’t a good feeling, because I knew that wasn’t me.
It’s funny because when I first got sick, it felt like everything happened all at once, that in one split second, the world changed irreparably. In some ways it did. But looking at what I’m going through now, with the loss of my dad, the world did change in an instant. I went from my dad to being okay, to being missing, to being dead, all in a span of about 24 hours.
And while it felt like I went from being well to being sick, it was actually a much more gradual shift. Because in reality, I was sick for a much longer period than I was aware of. I had a lot of symptoms leading up to the point in time when I finally sought help for them.
And when I did seek help, it’s because I knew there was something wrong with my body. There was no doubt in my mind that something was very wrong.
So now I am balancing dealing with my grief with the prospect that my body is going to rebel. It’s not a matter of if, but of when.
And I have a rheumatologist appointment coming up, and I don’t even know where to begin.
I am not okay.
I am admitting that, not only to myself, but to everyone out there.
I am not okay.
And it’s okay not to be okay.
Like I said, I missed an important phone call and I feel terrible about. It was really important, and I transposed the day and the time. And it makes me want to scream. It makes me want to tell everyone that my dad died, that I’m sick, and that I’m not okay.
So if my behavior seems off, it’s because it is.
I need time. I need space. I need the world to change.
My mind is in a million places, and self-care is on the list, but not quite at the top. I need to get back to a place where taking care of myself is the rule and not the exception.