I hear it everywhere: Another Labor Day, this summer really has gone fast, evaporating faster than I was even able to enjoy it, the lazy, crazy, hazy, days of summer.
Liars, liars, pantaloons on fire! The truth is most everyone secretly hates summer as much as I do.
We know we’re supposed to revel in the ‘beautiful’ weather and bask in the heat of the yellow sun and sip a glass of lemonade with a dog playing Frisbee. Also, maybe a girl in a sundress dancing around as well. Actually, that might have been a laundry detergent commercial I saw.
Whatever, the point is everyone needs to stop pretending summer is the best thing to happen since sliced bread. At least I admit that I can’t stand being hot, that I’m basically made of mosquito crack, and the humidity makes me sweat like a criminal in church. Over the years, though, after overhearing people complain about the heat, the weather, and the bugs more times than I can count, I’ve come to the realization that everyone else secretly hates summer as well—but they just won’t admit it.
It’s as if we all suffer from a collective fear of disliking summer because if we do, then all that’s left is the other three seasons. This wouldn’t be so bad, but someone years ago taught us that autumn, spring, and winter were the Tito, Jermaine, and LaToya, Jackson of the seasons family. So, now, we all gorge ourselves on summer, and say things like, “Man, isn’t this heat great?” and “That sun, right?” and “I can feel my eyes melting!”
Let me say it once and for all: Summer stinks! If it didn’t, no one would have invented air conditioning. Which brings me to another horrible thing about summer – air conditioning? Unless you are blessed with a summer like the one we had here in New York this year which, let’s face it, was more like fall, you have to use the air conditioner almost every day and night, and for people with arthritis, that’s about as healthy as wrapping our joints in hot packs while running on a treadmill. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve forgotten to set the a/c to turn off after it reaches a certain temperature, and woken up able to see my breath as I walk to the bathroom. Once there, I use the hairdryer to unfreeze my knees so I can bend down to pick up my glass of ice that used to be water. In addition, air conditioning dries out the air so badly that if I don’t use a humidifier, Allison and I wake up looking like The Walking Dead. Being able to open the windows and sleep with the fresh air is all I long for during those dry Arctic summer nights.
Those few super people among us who do super things like skydiving and hang gliding and kite surfing probably have no idea what I’m talking about because they thrive in the summer weather. Guess what – I’d have a ball in summer, too, if I was doing cool things all day long. For the rest of us, though, it’s time to appreciate the other seasons for their individual benefits.
Autumn is probably my favorite time of year. It’s the Goldilocks season (not too hot, not too cold), and in addition, I look much better in jeans and sweaters than I do in shorts. (I’m only 5’4”; shorts might as well be Capri pants). Also, you have all the different leaf colors to look at, making panoply of colors reminiscent of a Van Gogh painting. If that isn’t enough for you greedy people, you also have awesome holidays like Thanksgiving and the NHL season start.
Winter proper is another fantastic season. There’s Christmas, Chanukah, and Kwanza, New Year’s, and also there’s usually snow. Snow might not be fun to shovel, but nothing makes you feel cozier in your own house than snow blowing in drifts outside while you warm yourself in front of a raging fire. You know it, don’t lie to yourself just because it’s “PC” to love summer.
Spring, ah, what can I say about spring? It’s the time of rebirth, weddings, blooming, and, of course, Spring Break! Anyone who has had an ounce of fun in their whole lives knows about Spring Break. From Girls that have Gone Wild to baseball spring training, the early part of the year is always a ton of fun. The days are filled with promise for a fruitful year ahead, and when Easter hits there’s always Peeps, the best candy ever invented. How can anyone not like spring?
As you can see, there’s really only one season that doesn’t pull its weight – summer. The hot, sticky, humid, sweaty days of those three months when school is out and kids are everywhere being annoying are anything but desirable. It is time for us to end the charade, people. No more will we blindly say things like, “Oh, this is just a beautiful day!” as you suffocate because the pollen count has gone so high it has broken the meter. I am declaring it open season on summer, and the revolution starts with you! Now, I have to go turn off the A/C once again, I think my eyes have frozen open…..